---------THE ELDER GODZ---------
Herr Mike
Status: Elder Beer God
Location: The Lair of Self-Loving…in North/Central Brew Jersey
Bio: Herr Mike has been an avid lover of QCB for nearly 2 decades. Mike is a bodybuilder that has been hitting the gym hard for over 30 years, hence his mighty physique on the strip. The lair of self-loving is located in Patelville, and as a result, Mike’s love of Indian cuisine and culture cannot be understated.
Other activities: Herr Mike loves to take pictures of everything, particularly hideous bathrooms, douchebagz that wear calf/knee high black socks to the gym., and the Beer Godz & friends when we're on the loose. Herr Mike loves to eat: The Donger Need Food! He also creates and produces his own music.
Super Powers:
- Deadly Anal Vapor Cloud - fueled by QCB and Egg Salad
- Enlarge - Can instantly triple in size and strength
- Flash - Emit blinding pulses of light, temporarily blinding victims
- Acid Rain - Fueled by Spicy Indian Curry
Herr Rick
Status: Elder Beer God
Location: The Den of Iniquity…in South/Central Brew Jersey
Bio: Herr Rick has been an avid lover of QCB for more than 25yrs, and was a homebrewer for 7 years. He also enjoys Single Malt Scotch and Single Barrel Bourbon - It's a malt thing! Rick is a misanthrope and a lone wolf by nature, but he has developed fine social skills out of necessary. Rick is the more Satanic/Evil of the 2 Elder Beer Godz, - he’s depicted as a devil/vampire that sleeps in a coffin during the day.
Other activities: Herr Rick is always reading/researching, earning him the nickname “Mista Rickapedia”. He’s a non-stop prankster that loves torturing idiots. Herr Rick also loves Hot & Spicy food - to date, no being has come close to keeping up with him in that regard. He is borderline OCD with regards to the #9 and basing things around the number.
Super Powers:
- Rectal Lightning Bolt - - fueled by QCB
- Sonic Blast - High powered yell that stuns all in its path
- Breathe or Raise Fire - fueled by Hot Sauce, Chilies, and the Netherworld
- Influence - can take control of the minds of mortalz...and some Lesser Beer Godz
---------Zee Cast of Characters---------
Adam
Status: BG Initiate
Location: UK
Bio: Adam is a fine young bloke from the other side of the pond. He has a foul mouth possibly even worse than Herr Rick. He loves the words “Cunt” and “Fuck”, and he manages to magically weave them into every sentence. Adam loves to drink, and he’s particularly fond of spirits. Adam is known to get shit-faced drunk and fall face down, but he always manages to get back up on his feet…only to fall over backwards: D
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Beer Store Guy
Status: LOSER
Location: North Jersey
Bio: A pathetic little milksop that works at a liquors store, but does not like Hoppy Beers, because he thinks they are too bitter. Nuff Said!
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Beer Wench
Status: BG Initiate
Location: Colorado
When we first became facebook friends she was dressed in a German beer wench uniform on her profile picture. Yes, it was hot!!! I think it melted some of the snow up in the mountains. Too bad it did not start an avalanche ans wipe out the Coors Brewery
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Beerzeebub
Status: Ruler of Crappy Beer Hell, Torturer
Location: Crappy Beer Hell
Beerzeebub is Herr Rick's little bother. He exists only to torture those who oppose QCB, and those that have personally opposed the Beer Godz
Favorite torture methods:
- Forcing his victims watch movies like Paranormal Activity, Blair Witch, and special chick flicks just for guys such as Twilight and virtually all Sandra Bullock flicks
- For pure auditory torment, his new found favorites are the muzic of Frankie Gambino, and the Karaoke renditions of Creepy Guy
- Making his victims drink the crappiest of crappy beer and eat fast food, whilst he enjoys nothing but the finest QCB and gourmet cuisine right in front of them. Then, after the resulting Assplosion, he makes them wipe with poison ivy
- Getting them uber-fucked up on a combination of Tequiza & peyote, and putting them in a sensory deprivation tank - the effect is similar to the results in the movie Altered States - only much worse, since they immediately repeat all of the above in random sequences. That, and they had to drink Tequiza
Bubba
Status: Friend of the Beer Godz
Location: Philadelphia
Bio: Bubba is one big Mutha F’cker! He has a great love for Yuengling and has a son who can out drink most mortal man (even though he’s only a few years old!) Bubba is also Don Mirsky’s lieutenant, and does most of his “enforcing” for him
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Bunnie
Status: Insane woman
Location: North/Central Jersey
Bio: Bunnie was an actual bunny that Herr Mike transformed into his “Perfect” woman, and then became his concubine for a short time. Bunnie went insane from drinking too much Dirty Bastard Scotch Ale and could not stop saying “Dirty Bastard”! Herr Mike and Herr Rick tried to cure her by giving her Old Chub Scotch Ale, but it only made her condition worse! Herr Mike finally changed her back to a bunny. Now she torments all the animals in the forest by saying “Old Dirty Chub Bastard” -- In episode 98 she was turned back into a bunny and sent packing into the woods!
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Crappy Beer Gurl
Status: Nemesis
Location: Central Jersey
Bio: Crappy Beer Gurl loves her Miller Chills, and she will always jump at the chance to get them on $1.50 mug night at the local crappy hole-in-the-wall bar. Recently a tree fell on her house, and then a week later, her Xmas tree died. Come to find out, she dropped a 6 pack of Miller Chill at the base of the tree, and she watered her Xmas tree with a glass that had a little Miller Chill left n it from the night before. Not only is that shit unfit for human consumption, but also it’s lethal to trees! She’s even more pissed, since she never drinks them out of a glass – she prefers it straight out of the can. I bet she won’t make that mistake again….then again…
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Crazy Gurl
Status: Beer Goddezz
Location: Patelville…in North/Central Jersey
Crazy Gurl is our newest Beer Goddezz. She started out as a Shit Lite drinker, but over the last year, under the steady tutelage of Herr Mike and Herr Rick, she has ascended to godhood.
Bio: Crazy Gurl as a 5’ 3” 100lb bundle of nervous energy with 2 hollow legs, allowing her to eat as much as her 2 mentors that are nearly twice her size. She types fast and talks even faster. A typical post/response from her is over 5,000 characters and contains all types of expressions, symbols, eye-rolls, speaking in the 1st, 2nd and 3rd person, and modified words like oye, ova & mista. We sum up her insane posts with one word, “Blah”
Super Powers:
- Confusion - With her powers of BLAH, she can disorient and confuse mortalz
- Hypnosis - Her Eye Rolls can glamor male mortals (perhaps some females too - Sista Dana???)
Creepy Guy
Status: Arch Nemesis of Herr Rick
Location: NYC
Bio: Creepy guy was a toolbag that was friends with Crazy Gurl on facebook. Herr Rick made a snide remark about him, then the fun began. Herr Rick abused the shit out of him and really got under his skin prompting several real death threats against Herr Rick, which continue to this day.
His favorite thing to say was “BRAINS VS BRAWN” while completely missing the fact that not only is Herr Rick bigger, stronger, faster, meaner and much better looking, but he is also infinitely more intelligent than his creepy fuckness.
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Fat Blob
Status: Slob
Location: North Jersey
Bio: Fat blob is just that; a fat fucking blob! It represents all fat slobs out there that are too fucking lazy to work out and control their eating habits, preferring to cry victim and throw pity parties where they can eat even more. Sista Dana gets very upset at the Beer Godz for pointing that out
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Frankie Gambino
Status: The Entertainer
Location: NY, but frequently sited in AC
Frankie Gambino is hands down the most ridiculous character in the strip, which makes sense, since he was the most ridiculous mortalz the Beer Godz have encountered in our many travels, and that is saying something. Frankie is part Gangsta, Part Goombah, and Part Lounge Singer. His attire is beyond comical and his mighty cigar practically has it’s own zip code. He was last seen trying to take over the stage prior to the Porcupine Tree show in Philadelphia, before he was blown off the stage. Who knows when and where he will appear next?
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Godfather Don Mirsky
Status: Um, he's the Godfather
Location: South Jersey
Bio: Don Mirsky, is a loyal mortal friend of the Beer Godz. He looks like an Italian Mobster...even though he's not even Italian. He'll still make you an offer you can't refuse, and sometimes the Beer Godz will use him as an enforcer.
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Growler Dude
Status: BG Adept
Location: South/Central Jersey
Bio: Growler Dude does a lot of traveling...to breweries, and he always picks up a growler or two or three when he does. He is on the fast track to becoming a Beer God
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Kat Woman
Status: Friend of the Beer Godz
Location: Pennsylfuckingtucky...and sometimes AC
Bio: Kat Woman isn’t much of a beer drinker, and when she does drink, it’s not QCB. She’s more into vodka, and Black Haus, and she loves to rock the ______~ . She goes out early…you know, like mortalz in their 70’s do, and she always leaves early, preferring to continue “Partaying” at home…up until the point where she suddenly disappears. We still love her though, despite all of that. As far as her personality goes, she is the female equivalent to Herr Rick, albeit way less Evil…of course. Kat likes to go to AC, but every time she plans to go, disaster strikes. The most recent example would be the blizzard of 2010 in early Feb. Blame her for that one!!!
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Kym
Status: Ex Beer Goddezz
Location: Central Jersey
Bio: Kym likes a vast array of QCB and we deemed her worthy of the title Beer Goddezz. Although she has not been around much, Herr Rick still sees here out and about. Kym has recently got back into drinking more wine and less QCB, as she is trying to maintain her goddezz figure. NOTE: the difference between Godz and Goddezzez is that Godz can drink while maintaining our perfect physiques, but I digress.
Kym was turned by Creepy Guy in Episode , and she betrayed the Beer Godz & was banished to the void (for now) by Herr Rick in Episode 115. In the process she lost her Beer Goddezz status and super powers.
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Laura
Status: BG Initiate
Location: North/Central Jersey
Bio: Laura loves drinking Victory's Golden Monkey while buying and selling shit on eBay. Laura misses her days in Colorado, where she went to college, and longs to have some 90 Shilling touch her lips again! She is also an avid music listener and attends concerts every week.
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Master Lu
Status: Friend of the Beer Godz
Location: South Jersey...usually at the Jughandle
Bio: Classic Master Lu Lines:
- "You gotta try the Egg Salad - IT'S THE BEST"
- "THAT'S JUST STUUUPID!
- "IT'S EASY"
MayMay
Status: Bartender of the Beer Godz
Location: Behind the Bar
Bio: She's the personal bartender to The Beer Godz. She can pour beer like no other BT in the world....maybe
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Nurse Judy
Status: Nurse
Location: Every hospital in the comic
Bio: She is the resident nurse. Who knows, she may even be a candy striper/nymphomaniac???
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Philly Beer Gurl
Status: QCB Warrior
Location: The mean streets of Philadelphia, PA
Bio: She protects the city from Crappy Beer, wherever it might turn up
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Polish God of Thunder
Status: Herr Mike's Creator
Location: North/Central Jersey
Bio: The Polish God of Thunder is Herr Mike’s Dad and is a God, but not a Beer God. He likes QCB but will still drink crap beer from the “Evil Two” like Blue Moon by choice. He also has been married to Herr Mike’s Mom for close to five decades, which truly makes him a God among mortal men!
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ReRe, The Dark Beer Goddezz
Status: Beer Goddezz, and Herr Rick’s Wife
Location: South/Central Jersey - HR does not allow her in the Den - aside from cleaning
Bio: ReRe LOVES Dark beer – particularly Chocolate Stouts, Cream Stouts and Imperial Stouts. She often raids Herr Rick’s stash when he’s not looking. ReRe is on the quiet side, which is good because Herr Rick likes to talk. ReRe has many talents, her culinary wizardry being one of them. Others will be revealed…in time
Super Powers:
- Wall of Silence - particularly effective against Herr Rick
- Sleeping Spell - fueled by her culinary wizardry
Sista Dana
Status: Future Beer Godz Secretary???
Location: Central Jersey
Bio: Sista Dana is a hot lil’ number, especially for her age. She never saw a Beer Godz post that she couldn’t say “EW” to. Sista Dana and Crazy Gurl have mad love for one another, but they both deny it publicly. The Elder Beer Godz are not fooled - we know Crazy Sista Love when we see it!
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Stare Down Boy
Status: Nemesis of Herr Mike
Location: The Gym
Bio: Stare Down Boy has a thing for Herr Mike. We're not sure if it's love, hate, envy or a combination, but he is a constant thorn in Herr Mike's ass
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Stick
Status: Son of Herr Rick
Location: On the Drums
Bio: Nick the Stick is a monster drummer and beer aficionado. He takes after his dad for sure!
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Toilet Boy
Status: Scumbag
Location: New Hope, PA
Bio: Toilet Boy was working at a bar/restaurant in New Hope that shall remain nameless. Herr Mike was in the restroom, and observed Toilet Boy took a shit and never bothered to wash his hands before going back to work. GROSS!!! Luckily, he was not a food handler
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Tri Mee
Status: Friend of the Beer Godz
Location: North Jersey
Bio: Tri Mee will try anything and loves to hang with the Beer Godz
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Tuck
Status: Crybaby, Masochist, Stalker
Tuck is a royal pain in the ass. and really pathetic individual. He wants to be like us so bad, that it is actually quite sad. He has proven to be an endless source of entertainment and material for the strip. In real life, he looks like a garden gnome - hahaha!!!
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YOUR Character
Status: ???
Location: ???
Bio: New characters are already in the works. We're always adding new characters. Who knows, if we find you interesting YOU could be next? :D
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Levels:
Newbeez: - Mortalz that are new to the world of QCB
BG Initiate - Mortalz with genuine interest in ascending to Beer God
BG Adept - A Proven Follower - almost there
Beer God / Goddezz - Those that have completely fulfilled all of our requirementz
Elder Beer Godz - Herr Mike & Herr Rick
Posts
type o dude like scrabedeld eggs!
ReplyDeletetype o dude was quilty of drinking disgusting michaloeb beligum makebeleave white ale crap (not worth mentioning), he got tricked by the indian store guy, indian store guy dont drink, t-o-d did not have his glasses on, please punish me for this sin forgivness wood be gratly apresheateeded but still i gots shame for comiting dis crime :( i feel sick from it.
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